Thursday, December 2, 2010
It all starts here
Right, so all the posts prior to this one are copied from my old MySpace blog. I've been meaning to do that forever. KL and Dan Chan have been after me to get this started, and I thank them both for pushing me. I do love a bit of a blag, I mean blog, so sit back, relax, and I'll begin.
So you got new shoes, huh?
I saw a girl today walking down the street in her nice new shoes. How could I tell? Were they gleaming and shiny as she click-clacked down the street? Did she occasionally glance down to admire them as she sauntered past?
Did she fuck. She scraped her battered heels down the street like a worn out piece of chalk. She looked down-trodden and beaten by life. But she still held onto the day her shoes were new.
How do I know all this you ask? Do I have amazing powers of observation that should send me sky-rocketting into a TV career? Well, no, actually. She still had the bloody stickers on the bottom of her shoes from when she bought them two seasons ago. Argh! I scream inside everytime I see this. Do you keep the price and size tag on your new shirt? Do you retain and proudly display that odd bit of paper sewn into the back of your new jeans? Well take the fucking price tag off the bottom of your shoes! Just cos you're so lazy that you can't be arsed spending 5 seconds of your life to take off that sticker doesn't mean I have to see it each time you take a step. You shit me. You really do.
You think I'm being too harsh? Look out for it. You'll be amazed at how many women (and some men) do it. It will drive you crazy now I've mentioned it.
Did she fuck. She scraped her battered heels down the street like a worn out piece of chalk. She looked down-trodden and beaten by life. But she still held onto the day her shoes were new.
How do I know all this you ask? Do I have amazing powers of observation that should send me sky-rocketting into a TV career? Well, no, actually. She still had the bloody stickers on the bottom of her shoes from when she bought them two seasons ago. Argh! I scream inside everytime I see this. Do you keep the price and size tag on your new shirt? Do you retain and proudly display that odd bit of paper sewn into the back of your new jeans? Well take the fucking price tag off the bottom of your shoes! Just cos you're so lazy that you can't be arsed spending 5 seconds of your life to take off that sticker doesn't mean I have to see it each time you take a step. You shit me. You really do.
You think I'm being too harsh? Look out for it. You'll be amazed at how many women (and some men) do it. It will drive you crazy now I've mentioned it.
Word of the month: C*nt
Warning: If you are offended by this word, get off my friends list now. You don't belong here!
Word of the month for December: C*nt
Go on, use it in a sentence now. Grab a beer, climb on the roof and shout it to the stars. It will feel fantastic. Tell your girlfriend she has a lovely cunt and you want to see it. Whisper it in her ear three times. Use it daily. Never use it in a bad way. Use it with a smile on your face and a twinkle in your eye. It is a lovely word and should be used in lovely ways. Go on, you know you want to!
Word of the month for December: C*nt
Go on, use it in a sentence now. Grab a beer, climb on the roof and shout it to the stars. It will feel fantastic. Tell your girlfriend she has a lovely cunt and you want to see it. Whisper it in her ear three times. Use it daily. Never use it in a bad way. Use it with a smile on your face and a twinkle in your eye. It is a lovely word and should be used in lovely ways. Go on, you know you want to!
Word of the month: Vanilla
The word of the month for January is: Vanilla
It's a new word that's gonna catch on big time, and you heard it here first. It's meaning is generally, plain, ordinary, not very interesting, although there have been a few conversations lately about how vanilla is perhaps more tasty than, say, chocolate. Contraversial *looks over shoulder* indeed.
Here's some examples of how you could use vanilla in a sentence:
"Oh, he's so vanilla, but his friend is hot chocolate."
"We had vanilla sex last night. Not even a bit of chocolate coating." (yes, there's a not-so-subtle joke in there too)
"Sorry, you can't come in, you're too vanilla."
"I don't do vanilla."
"Oh, they were all so vanilla."
Get using it at midnight on NYE, or be vanilla!
It's a new word that's gonna catch on big time, and you heard it here first. It's meaning is generally, plain, ordinary, not very interesting, although there have been a few conversations lately about how vanilla is perhaps more tasty than, say, chocolate. Contraversial *looks over shoulder* indeed.
Here's some examples of how you could use vanilla in a sentence:
"Oh, he's so vanilla, but his friend is hot chocolate."
"We had vanilla sex last night. Not even a bit of chocolate coating." (yes, there's a not-so-subtle joke in there too)
"Sorry, you can't come in, you're too vanilla."
"I don't do vanilla."
"Oh, they were all so vanilla."
Get using it at midnight on NYE, or be vanilla!
Phrase of the month: Saturday Night Love
The phrase of the month for February is: Saturday Night Love
This phrase is to be used after meeting someone out on a Saturday night. You meet them. You get along fabulously and use phrases with each other such as "You rock", "You're amazing", "Marry me right now", and "I've never met anyone as ace as you". They are not vanilla to you. You feel like you want to hang out with them for hours and hours. Maybe you do. Maybe the drugs and booze wear off and you start to think differently. Perhaps you arrange to meet during the week, hang out, share that rare record, start a band together, or just go to the pub. Neither of you call each other. Maybe you run into them the following weekend and you just can't see why you got so excited. This, my friend, is called "Saturday Night Love". The love that booze, drugs, sex and lack of sleep can bring on.
I also want someone to write a song about this, but you have to dedicate it to me, send me the song, and give me all royalties. Oh, just sending me the song will be enough.
This phrase is to be used after meeting someone out on a Saturday night. You meet them. You get along fabulously and use phrases with each other such as "You rock", "You're amazing", "Marry me right now", and "I've never met anyone as ace as you". They are not vanilla to you. You feel like you want to hang out with them for hours and hours. Maybe you do. Maybe the drugs and booze wear off and you start to think differently. Perhaps you arrange to meet during the week, hang out, share that rare record, start a band together, or just go to the pub. Neither of you call each other. Maybe you run into them the following weekend and you just can't see why you got so excited. This, my friend, is called "Saturday Night Love". The love that booze, drugs, sex and lack of sleep can bring on.
I also want someone to write a song about this, but you have to dedicate it to me, send me the song, and give me all royalties. Oh, just sending me the song will be enough.
Saturday Night Love
My new and lovely friend, Princess Michael of Kent, has taken up the challenge to write a song about Saturday Night Love. He wrote this and emailed it to me within a couple of hours of me posting my February Phrase of the Month blog. How ace is Princess? Fucking ace I say.
So here's his song. Full rights and copyright to Michael, and nobody else, so don't go nicking his song or I'll do ya (and not in the good way).
Saturday Night Love -MB300106
(slowly and intently)
Bm D G D
12 percent of people are worth knowing
A D G D
And I think I'm being generous at that
Bm D G D
The proportion of arseholes is growing
A D G D
Most are facile and docile and sad
Once in a while someone is different
And it's the good kind of deja vu
You feel like they're a friend you've known forever
You just forgot where you left them for a moment or two
Ch:
Em *(hold 7th) A* D G*
You say it was Saturday Night Love
Em* A* D G*
I say, no smoke without fire
Em *(hold 7th) A* D G*
But you can say it was Saturday Night Love
Em* A* D G*
Cause I like you, so I don't mind
Em* A* D G*
I don't mind ...
And I admit alcohol was involved
I admit drugs might've played their part
But you can say what you mean when you write, love
Instead of putting up a front at the start
So what happens if it's Saturday Night Love?
Everybody's always trying to find love
And the blind are still leading the blind ...
When it comes to love ...
Rpt Chorus
Em* A* D G*
I like the Saturday Night Love
And I like you so I don't mind
I like the Saturday Night Love
And I like you so I don't mind
So here's his song. Full rights and copyright to Michael, and nobody else, so don't go nicking his song or I'll do ya (and not in the good way).
Saturday Night Love -MB300106
(slowly and intently)
Bm D G D
12 percent of people are worth knowing
A D G D
And I think I'm being generous at that
Bm D G D
The proportion of arseholes is growing
A D G D
Most are facile and docile and sad
Once in a while someone is different
And it's the good kind of deja vu
You feel like they're a friend you've known forever
You just forgot where you left them for a moment or two
Ch:
Em *(hold 7th) A* D G*
You say it was Saturday Night Love
Em* A* D G*
I say, no smoke without fire
Em *(hold 7th) A* D G*
But you can say it was Saturday Night Love
Em* A* D G*
Cause I like you, so I don't mind
Em* A* D G*
I don't mind ...
And I admit alcohol was involved
I admit drugs might've played their part
But you can say what you mean when you write, love
Instead of putting up a front at the start
So what happens if it's Saturday Night Love?
Everybody's always trying to find love
And the blind are still leading the blind ...
When it comes to love ...
Rpt Chorus
Em* A* D G*
I like the Saturday Night Love
And I like you so I don't mind
I like the Saturday Night Love
And I like you so I don't mind
Phrase of the month: We've got a bleeder!
Phrase of the month for March: We've got a bleeder!
To be used when someone is banging on and being a victim about something that isn't working in their life, and to put it nice and ever so subtly, you're sick of listening to them. The moaning, the woe-is-me, the inability to see that it's their fucking fault and they are too pathetic to fix their own lives, you have the power to stop it with these simple words.
So once the victim has tried to manipulate and enrol others in how fucking hard their life is, "We've got a bleeder!" will stop their bullshit. Shout it out like George Clooney in ER and you will find it will stop the white noise that the "victim" is making.
It's nasty, patronising and smart arsed, but it will shut them the fuck up and you can get on with the business of enjoying your life, and not having to listening to the bore. Now go forth and piss people off!
To be used when someone is banging on and being a victim about something that isn't working in their life, and to put it nice and ever so subtly, you're sick of listening to them. The moaning, the woe-is-me, the inability to see that it's their fucking fault and they are too pathetic to fix their own lives, you have the power to stop it with these simple words.
So once the victim has tried to manipulate and enrol others in how fucking hard their life is, "We've got a bleeder!" will stop their bullshit. Shout it out like George Clooney in ER and you will find it will stop the white noise that the "victim" is making.
It's nasty, patronising and smart arsed, but it will shut them the fuck up and you can get on with the business of enjoying your life, and not having to listening to the bore. Now go forth and piss people off!
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